You're cute.

I miss you. Did you know that? I'm so mad at you for doing this to me, yet I know when you come back i'll act like nothing is wrong. Just because you mean that much to me. You're putting me through hell here.

Bowling was just blah. I don't want to go to the EX. I'm so nervous and so scared, it's terrible. I want to die.

I'm also really mad at myself for not trying to lose weight sooner. I mean, dude, if I ate 1000 calories a day and walked every other day starting last December, i'd be smaller then I ever wanted to be by now. But i'm too much of a fatass. al;skfjalsfj

I'm going to hide in my room and look at skinny people all day tomorrow. I'm so completely done being this gross. fuck.

fml.

I hate you.


Uhm, yeah. I didn't want to talk to you, either. Thanks for not signing on, asshole.


Bowling tomorrow. woo -.-


I feel gross, ugly, fat, ugly, fat, pathetic. I'm fat. I'm gross. I'm disgusting. I need to go die. Seriously. I'd be doing everyone else a favor by leaving. Then no one would have to look at me again.


Adviladvildadvil, where are you when I need you? :/

I think tonight was okay.

When Sky gets back we have to have a talk about the 'concepts of life'. Can't fucking wait -.-

You know what really pisses me off? Hes like, three years older. And thinks he knows everything. like no. shutup. You might be older, might have gone through more things then me, he might know more about stuff, but jesus i'm not five fucking years old. I've gone through shit to. It's just shit he's never gone through.

And that shit made me fucking mature for my age.


Anyways, I dyed my hair today. It looks epic. I like it. 'sept my sister left out a piece -.- so it's like redredredredBROWNredred. it's really red though. Justwhatiwanted.


Now, if i lost like 5000000 pounds, i'd be even happier.

I'm getting my nose peirced on the 15th. Apparently it hurts like a bitch. My sister had gotten like everything pierced (nojoke) and she said that hurts the most. woo. :/


l;akjdfklajdfkl fuckmylife. I need more advil. I sorta ran out... and I dont want to take anymore of the pills in the kitchen. My mom will start to notice.

I hate you but I miss you. So, so much. somuch.

Shh, let's just pretend I got back today.

I completely forgot about this. I fail. I've been back for almost two weeks. Orginally I was supposed to get back... on the first. I'm extremely glad i came home early. Two weeks = way too long.

Akfjaklfj so my life has been fucked up since I got home. I just feel terrible about everything. Everythign is going wrong, i'm losing everyone. I just feel like dying.

I miss Miles. A lot. Seems weird that hes.. gone. Forever. Not coming back. He was incredible. Strong. I still don't get how he could have... gone through with it. That he was thinking it. I talked to him the night before. He was... perfectly fine. alkdfjajl;fk another poly death I can blame on myself. Joy -.-

& then theres Mr. Kyle. We were together for... over 13 months. And of course I had to fuck it up with lying. I guess, thats what I get for being so immature about all of it. I was just scared. I mean, yes, it's been serious since the begining. That one little comment changed everything. :/ but tbh, if we ever got anymore serious, I don't think i'd be able to handle it. I'm not.. ready for that mature of a relationship. I mean, dude, i've been in ONE real life relationship, and I would hardly even call that a relationship. It was a couple of awkward dates. He wouldn't even hold my hand or kiss me.

Annnnd the worst of it all. Him. Fucking up my relationship with Steven, completely crushing any chance I had at getting better for the near future. You know I have no trust in ANYONE anymore, right? Not even my best friends? My family? Him? Fuckyou. I had a feeling you didn't actually like me, thats not what hurt the most. It hurt more that you knew how I felt, yet you still thought it was funny. You knew about my self harm, my eating disorder, fucked up thoughts. My secrets. And you go and pull that kind of shit. Not to mention ruining an ic relationship. Proud? I'm completely broken because of you.

On a happier note, I feel like i've lost my boyfriend. woot. How fun! :/


fuckmylife.

Goodbye, for now.

This will be my last post for a week. I'm going to my friends house. I'm excited (:

You think long distance is gay? Well, I don't. I think we could make it work, because this could be love. Now, that's just my opionion. But to be honest, yours is kinda stupid.

Idk what im gonna do about the whole block/delete thing. I don't want to. But i'm scared :/ Whatever. Im not going to worry about any e-shit for till I get back. I deserve to have a little break, after almost two years.

Ugh. I'm such a fatty :/ I hope to be a couple pounds lighter then next time I weigh myself. I doubt it though. Whatever.



fat fat fat fat fat fat fat fat fat fat fat fat fat fat fat fat fat fat fat fat fat fat fat fat fat fat fat fat fat fat fat fat fat fat fat fat fat fat fat fat fat fat fat fat fat fat fat fat fat fat fat fat fat fat fat fat fat fat fat fat fat fat fat fat fat fat fat fat fat fat fat fat fat fat fat fat fat fat fat fat fat fat fat fat fat fat fat fat fat fat fat fat fat fat fat fat fat fat fat fat fat fat fat fat fat fat fat fat fat fat fat fat fat fat fat fat fat fat fat fat fat fat fat fat fat

All five of them are on.

Should I say something? Probably not. I'm just a joke. I don't mean anything. I'm just someone they can mess around with for laughs. Silly me, I thought you changed this time. Just goes to show how once you become a lying two-faced bitch, you can't go back. What's it like? Having guys all over you because they think your a whore? I bet it's absolutely wonderful. Have fun with the rasist douche. Just by the way, you're another one of his e-whores. I met one today. I would tell you to be careful, but honestly, I don't give a shit anymore. I gave you a second chance. That's over now. Now, I just need to stop fishing for a reason to stay when I know the only people I need will be sticking around. Stopstopstop doing this. It's not worth it. There is NOT a reason. Time after time, they hurt me. And I look like the idiot because i'm too gullable.

Ugh. Fuck this. I'll decide when I get back from my trip.

Weakweakweak piece of shit >.< .

Thank you for last night.

I'm tired. Every get that way? How you can hardly keep your head up, your eyes open, although you did almost nothing that day? It's horrible.

Last night made me happy. You make me happy. You're unbelievable. Thank you, for everything you said.

I'm not really sure what to say here. I don't really have anything to say. I suppose im just trying to get into the habit of writing daily, so when I DO have something interesting i'll come here and write it out.

I really do feel like i changed two lives today. You have no idea how amazing that makes me feel. <3

I need to go back a couple months.

I shouldnt have let anyone in. I should have kept it all a secret. I wish he didnt know anything. I wish I didnt take those pictures. I wish, I wish, I wish. That's all I can do, because he knows, and those pictutres are sent. To be honest, I wouldnt be suprised if he was on their side, trying to completely ruin my life.

It's like, after being a college student for a night, you're completely different. I wish I could take back May, and talk to you. I'm going to miss you. But I think i've already lost you.

I wasnt mad at you, V, for stalking my FB. I wasn't even mad about you being a creep and adding my friends, but jesus christ, did you REALLY have to add and talk to HIM? The one guy, you KNOW means a hell of a lot to me. I can't believe you did that.

Alright, look. I do take things to hard. I'm too dramatic, I try to hard. I tell people too much. But fuck. I do it because no one in my rl actually care anymore. So please, just tell me you care. That you're here for me. No matter what.

Four more days, then I have a week off. I'm actually excited for the first time in forever. Fuck you guys.

When does College start?

We only have a couple of nights left together, before you're off to College. Before you meet people, before you fall in love with some girl who actually deserves you. Will we still talk once you start your new life? Before you leave everying else? Are you scared? Do you regret talking to me? Last night, you said to me, "if you can figure someone out, it's friendship. if you don't understand someone, it's love." When I asked if this was love, you said it was something I had to find out. How can I do that when we have less then a month left together? I hate that we didnt start talking again sooner. That I waited till he broke my heart again, that I blamed it on you. You are absolutely the only guy I have ever talked to that i'm comfortable around. I can say whatever I want, and you still love me for it. I'm going to miss you, S. So, so much. Please remember me when you're a famous writer somewhere, making all your dreams come true.
I promise you, your wish will come true. I will make sure it happens. I'm working on it. <3

3:55 AM.

I have never known how to start these things. Do I just randomly start talking? Or do I, as we were taught in English class, begin with a starting paragraph? To be honest, those things pissed me off. Why explain what you're writing about before you do so? They'll figure it out eventually. If not- they're idiots.

Anyways, i'm extremely tired. Today was long. I woke up at noon, by my mother stomping around in the kitchen. When I woke up, I ate 3 pancakes. FAIL. I ouldn't see out of my right eye. Even better! Today started out just wonderful. Turns out I had a mini sty on my top eyelid. Fml. Spent my day eating, complaining and talking to him.

So i'm starting a fast tomorrow. 47 hours. Think I can do it? Probably not. Ah well, I'm going to try. I have to give him pictures in a couple of weeks, so i'm done screwing around. I'm going to lose 20 pounds. Yuup.